Long ago in the mists of time [actually, in prehistoric days is WAS very misty, due to atmospheric conditions with the earth still cooling down and the steam and all. Later on there was a cabaret group called the Mists of Time who did very well on the cruise ships but that’s probably best left for another story) there was…
HEY! WHOA THERE, TRIGGER! That was one long-ass parenthetical interjection! Do you seriously think anyone remembers where the sentence started? Give it to them again!
O.K. Calm down! Don’t get your knickers in a twist!
Long ago in the mists of time, about 15 minutes or so before 3.5 billion years ago, biogenic substances started to form on Earth. Many billions of life forms were evident by the Paleozoic period. A good few of them (about 5 billion) died out, primarily because it was impossible to get a decent cup of coffee in those days. The billions left continued to evolve splitting into so-called ‘daughter species’ and ‘son-species’ and ‘weird uncle species’.
Why these life forms began is anybody’s guess, but there are lots of scientific theories. (For clarification, a theory is also a guess.) Widely accepted by anyone who can make a buck from it, is the theory that lifeforms on Earth developed from extra-terrestrial organisms from the flotsam and jetsam of stuff floating around the universe.
The point is: Far, far away on the much older planet Zill (in the galaxy known as The Nurgon Zone) the predominant species known as Zillas were watching developments on Earth with interest and amusement. These creatures lived on a planet of abundance and bliss. The Zillas looked very much like dinosaurs. They were about 20 Earth-feet tall and lived on fruit and vegetables, especially the coffee bean. A highly sophisticated culture, they were mainly interested in the Arts and loved nothing more than to sit around with their friends drinking espresso and discussing the plays of Shake Zilla, the paintings of Salvador Zilla and the improvised and rhythmic music of Parker Zilla.
Parker Zilla inspired a new style of music known as ‘Juice’ as it was written and played under the influence of the juice of the coffee bean. Because of the Zilla physiognomy, coffee not only acted as a stimulant, it made them hipper. As happens in language, the word ‘juice’ became ‘jass’ and ‘jass’ became ‘jazz’.
Once the ozone layer formed, plant life on Earth found it easier to thrive. This is known by eggheads as ‘The Cambrian Explosion of life forms’. It just happened that ZIll was having terrible weather with intergalactic storms ruining their crops. The first thought of the Zillas was, “Now we can grow coffee on Earth!”
Because of the superior technology all aliens have (yes, superior! Have you watched any movies at all? Name me one episode of Star Wars or Star Trek where the aliens are primitive? The Day The Earth Stood Still? Admittedly Jar Jar Binks is a dumb, annoying character but there are those who say that he is in fact a Sith overlord [Supreme Leader Snoke]disguising himself as an idiot the way Colombo does in the show, uh… Colombo!)
HEY! What did I tell you about those parentheticals??? And that’s a DOUBLE parenthetical! Start the sentence again - if anyone’s still reading this – which I doubt.
Because of the superior technology all aliens have, the Zillas sent some bio-organic cells to Earth in thousands of ‘ZillPods’ and they mixed with other extra-terrestrial cells and BINGO, boy meets girl, kissing and hugging and a group of creatures we know as the dinosaurs started walking the Earth (actually, dancing, because those dinos could still feel the groove of Parker Zilla who...)
Unfortunately, the Ice age and the evolution of trees and the eruption of volcanoes and an asteroid or two hitting Earth led to mass extinctions. The dinosaurs died out.
Deep under the surface of the planet, one ZillPod survived and after a few million years, the intense heat caused the pod to open and one male and one female Zilla found life, love and a happiness in an underground world lit by glowing rocks and fed by an abundance of coffee beans (and bananas and stuff.)
Because of the intense heat near the center of the Earth, they developed the power to breathe fire out of their mouths. For this reason, some people confuse them with dragons but dragons are another creature entirely, with wings and very little sense of humor.
The male took the name of ‘Band’. Why? Glad you asked! Living underground, his eyes were sensitive to light and he kept saying to his female partner, Skwee, “Ban those rays, baby, ban those rays!” Skwee Zilla fashioned a protection for his eyes, a translucent dark film. So she called him ‘Ban’. He also absolutely loved music and had collected so many instruments that, as a lover’s joke, she started calling him ‘Band’ and the name stuck.
Really! Man, if they’ll believe that, do they wanna buy this authentic Rolex?
Eventually birds and bees will have their way and a daughter, Mini Zilla was born, cute as a button but a much better conversationalist. (Have you ever tried to talk to a button? Well if you have you’re an idiot! O.K. I’m getting on with it!)
They were a perfectly happy family.
But one day, tragedy struck.
Skwee used to go up to the surface to get a few supplies such as coffee machine parts and musical instruments for Ban. She had to be a little careful not to be seen because humans get nervous when they see a 20-foot Zilla in an Italian café (no matter how hot and “foine” she is!) One night she misjudged her exit point and ended up in Loch Ness. The so called ‘Loch Ness Monster’ is in fact another ‘alien’ from the Nurgon Zone, but from a race of enormous creatures called (and it is only an approximation of the pronunciation in English) ‘Bobcrosbys’. They are violent, stupid and proud aquatic creatures, 180 feet long with no ears.
No sooner had Skwee entered Loch Ness than the Bobcrosby we know as ‘Nessie’ gurgled for joy (he would have cackled, but YOU try cackling underwater! It will sound like a gurgle!)
Careful! I let a couple of the little ones slide!
It’s O.K., I’m continuing!
As Skwee was being swallowed, she sent a telepathic message to Bandzilla filling him in on what was happening (while the Bobcrosby was filling himself in with Skwee).
Really! Is this necessary?
Bandzilla grabbed Mini and rushed to the surface, alas, too late. However, when the Bobcrosby (whose name has not passed down to history) raised his head above the surface (as it needs to do from time to time because they breathe oxygen), BandZilla and Mini took their revenge. Locking him in a vector of fire, they reduced his head to ashes, then dragged the creature’s gargantuan body to the shore and incinerated what was left.
And that is why, today, there are no serious sightings of the so-called ‘Loch Ness Monster’.
Honestly! How do you get away with this sh….
Hey! I’m workin’ here! Quiet down and do a brother a solid!
At that point, Bandzilla and Mini decided to live openly on the surface. At first there was some consternation from Earthlings, but Bandzilla sent a video message to the media saying:
“We come in peace, Man. All we want to do is drink some decent coffee, play some decent sounds and live in love and peace and universal brotherhood. If that’s cool, we’re cool. And if it’s not, we’ll burn the planet to the ground (except for Columbia and Jamaica where they grow the coffee, and Italy where the food is so good).
Later that year (1986) they met Richard Niles (whose musical conception reminded Bandzilla of the music he heard from Zill) and they decided to form a big monster of a band called BANDZILLA. There is some confusion because the band’s name is BANDZILLA while the creature’s name is Band Zilla, but when you say it rather than read it, it sounds the same.
Bandzilla (and BANDZILLA) took a long rest after having performed with such hipsters as Paul McCartney, Ray Charles, James Brown, Michael McDonald and the Pet Shop Boys. But in 2016 they decided to rise again with a new album, BANDZILLA RISES!!! The album features such hipsters as Randy Brecker and Leo Sayer and is more fun than a barrel of funkys.
Bandzilla’s message to you is to buy it at every opportunity or he will “burn the planet to the ground”. (The album seems to sell well everywhere except for Columbia and Jamaica where they grow the coffee, and Italy where the food is so good).
Hell, no! You can’t end this on a parenthetical!
(I just did.)
Dr. Richard Niles, Mission Viejo, 2016